Saturday, October 18, 2008

This one is going to be going away

I've decided to start a fresh new blog. I'm going to start working on it right now. Be ready to bookmark a different blog soon!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

God's timing is always perfect!

we have been waiting for our federal tax return to come in because Dakota's mother messed her's up and that messed ours up. anyway, i'm paying bills today and laughing at myself because out of 11 bills i am only able to pay the 4 most important. i just got a call from clay right now...the tax return came in!! and he got a letter saying the stimulus check will be here by the 12th! that's $2750 for me! :) :) :) perfect timing!!!!!! (for those who read about this elsewhere and read $2600, i was lying, i just calculated the stimulus wrong in my mind in all the excitment of hearing this news.)

Praise the Lord!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Not keeping up very well

As things happen in my crazy mixed up life, I have trouble keeping up to date on this thing. I had started writing in a journal too and forget to keep it updated as well. Mostly I think it's because I'm either just resolving to leave it in my head or I'm telling so many people that I'm disenchanted with it by the time I think to type it all out.

So, updates where we are:

1. Most importantly my mom starts chemo on Monday. They are attacking it aggressively but I really don't even know what that means. She is getting the chemo port and vaccuum tube put in as I type. Monday morning she checks into Rideout Hospital in Marysville for the week. Her husband, Dale, will be calling me when things are settled there to tell me what's going to be going on and if I remember I'll post it here as well.

2. I've completely given up on anything relating to Clay. He's proven, time and time again although I didn't want to realize it, that he doesn't care about me at all. He has no desire whatsoever to be with me. I was just about to say, "I'm not sure when I realized that"...but that's not true, I do know exactly the moment I realized it. It's when I saw, from a distance, the girlfriend. She looks pretty much exactly like someone else from his past and it just hit me that that's what he wants. Fine by me...now I can say that. I should have realized it when 1. I got cancer and all he could say was, "I feel like crap we're going through this and now you're sick" and that's as far as his interested went, 2. my mom got cancer and he told me on the day of her surgery that he and his girl have an amazing relationship or 3. how on the same day he told me he hadn't loved me for a couple of years.

I don't really hold any of that against him. He can't help but feel the way he feels, right? Of course, I wasn't saying that a month ago. No, a month ago I was graveling, begging for another chance to be with him. But, see her. Seeing her and realizeing that I could never be, would never want to be her was all I needed to snap out of my pathetic, knee bending, depression, crying fit I had put myself in. He hadn't done it to me, I had done it to myself. He told me how he feels and I choose to ignore it. Now he is free to do what whoever he wants. Will he take the kids into consideration? Well, I won't go there because I feel I've talked badly enough about him. And please realize...that I truly do not feel (much) anamosity towards him. I'm recogciled to it all and am actually looking forward to some day finding a man who loves me for me. Who will accept all the craziness about me, who is kind, loving, caring, unselfish, giving, totally dedicated to no one but the two of us...and my kids...because if whoever-he-is isn't accepting of my kids then he all the other great traits in the world aren't going to mean a thing.

so...what was I doing?? Oh yeah, updates. I get sidetracked so easily.

3. Well, I guess my mom and clay are really the only updates on my life right now.

I just glanced up at my "Going green for cancer" title...which today I will be changing back to it's original "A cup of coffee or tea" title. My quest to become more green since getting my cancer has become a mainstay in my mind and life. We eat, I'd say 85%, organic foods. Most everything that touches our bodies (clothing not included) is pure, natural ingredient filled products. I've become obessed with reading labels and checking products on safecosmetics.com. It's not too hard to do for me that the two bugs. I couldn't get into the baby g diapers, so I am filling landfils with disposable diapers. Hopefully my lack of sending water bottles to the lanfil will make up for the diapers. If not? Too bad. I'm doing what I can. :)

Monday, July 7, 2008

it's just not natural

to pray that someone who says they haven't loved for two years would love you again. it's just not natural. not when they've moved on with their life and have told you flatly that they don't love you. it's not natural to pray they some how magically learn to love you again. they are happy without you and have gotten their life together without you, they have someone else that makes them happy and they love that other person. so why pray that they will love you again? it's pretty stupid to hold on to some dilusion that by praying they will some how change their mind. i'm sure it's not the prayers fault but that of the one who's praying. you are just not the one they want. they made mistake before. sure they learned from it, learned what they needed to move on to someone else. just let them go, they ask of you. let them go and move on with your own life. oh, let's get along, of course. easy for them to say when they believe they have it all together and are happy. of course, you thought you'd be able to get along too for a while...until someone else came along. why can't you just get over it and move on? why? you said you would before the other person came along. before. before. so much happens before. before you got upset they were gone all the time. before you started doing your own thing. before you started nagging for attention. before they started being gone more and more. before. it's a loaded word if you think about it. praying for someone to love you who didn't love you before. just not natural.

it's been a while

so it's been a long time since i've posted, but those who read this already know all the updates anyway! lol but, my dear friend katrina said i had to get the make up post off, so here i am posting.

it's not the best time for me to be doing this because i'm frustrated!!!!! i want to grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at, well, just one person because i do not understand what is going on in their head! how can that person be that way!?!?!?!!!!!! ugh.

k, so i posted and now i'm going to go read. because whether i want to admit it to myself right now or not, reading my Bible does make me feel better.

and, i still like the Jane Iredale makeup and am still using and purchasing "clean" products.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Make up. So far, so good.

So while I was reading through Gorgeously Green took note of the make up options Sophie recommends. I choose to try the Jane Iredale line because it was one of her top picks and because I could try out the make up line in a near by town. There is nothing worse than ordering things off the internet when you have no idea of the product! Yesterday I was able to take some time off work and go be pampered a bit. Jane Iredale is a line of mineral make up unlike the one I've tried previously. I tried to get into Bare Escentuals, but it made my face itch when I prespired. I could fix that by reapplying the make up, but I'm not into doing that much work. So Carol at El Macero Pharmacy was wonderful!! I haven't worn make up in a while because I just can't bare to put that liquid plastic on my face!! I was wearing it just for church, but since being diagnosed and having a strong desire to NOT have chemicals on my skin, I even stopped wearing it there. So, I go, sit down and let Carol do her thing. It was fun!! Kinda embarrassing as I don't have the greatest skin and here she is a Skin Care Therapist for the past 20 years. She said Jane Iredale make up will be good for me because it's not only natural but promotes healing. "Uh, sure. We'll see!", is what I was thinking. So she puts it on. It looks completely natural!!! So easy...easier than the other afore mentioned brand of mineral make up, no smell at all and just made me look pretty flawless...that's saying alot! So yes, I bought it. I touched up just a bit a couple hours before church and did not feel cakey at all! This morning I did my make up...having it on at work is a great test. I forget I'm wearing it!! I actually wiped off half my chin because I'm not used to wearing anything at all. I haven't taken a look to see if my skin has drank it in or if it's worn off...I'll let you know tomorrow. For today it's good!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Some new information to share...

It's about products, not my mother or me. I purchased some Burt's Bees products at Target the other day. I got shampoo, face cleanser and moisturizer, bar soap and sun screen. I have to take another look at the sun screen, which I don't particularly care for anyway as it's a bit difficult to spread on the skin. Of course, I'm already a huge fan of their lip balm (non-honey type); I always have a few laying around. These products have replaced my toxin filled ones I was slathering on me and the bugs.

Last night I went to Borders in Davis to look for some books on melanoma cancer and sadly found nothing. In fact, their cancer section was a surprisingly small 3 shelves! I did find a great book though: Gorgeously Green. It's 8 simple steps to an earth-friendly life by Sophie Uliano. She emphasizing doing small thing a day, realizing that we all can't (or don't want to) be granola-hippie people. She tells which ingredients in cosmetic and other home products are toxic in plain simple easy to understand terms. I've only the first few chapters, but already I'm more educated than I was this morning. I highly recommend this book to everyone who has ever thought of making a change in their life and home toward becoming more green.